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The Magic of Empathy
Teach me Thy way. 0 Lord; I will walk in Thy truth; unite my heart to revere Thy name. Psalm 86:11 One of the easiest ways to develop more positive, intimate relationships is by being more empathic. Empathy is also one of the highest Christian ideals. The Bible calls it compassion, or loving kindness. It is not sympathy, which is feeling sorry for, but empathy is a true understanding and expression of someone's feelings, motivations or situation. Much of what we do in counseling is to teach empathic listening to spouses and parents. It involves slowing down and not thinking of your own responses while listening. It involves reflecting back an understanding, especially an emotional understanding. When you come home from work and your partner or child begins to tell you about their day, when you are working collaboratively, or delivering some feedback, LISTEN FIRST. This can be hard to do if your own spiritual and emotional needs are not met, if you are tired, or if you grew up in a difficult home, but whenever you can, try it. Instead of saying, "I had an awful day too," first say, "Wow, you had a frustrating day," and then let the other person continue. Resist the urge to fix or give advice. Instead of saying, "If you just took better care of yourself," try saying, "It must be discouraging to still be feeling sick." Notice the feeling words, frustrating, discouraging. Empathy needs to be genuine, non intrusive and compassionate. Noticing body language and tone of voice can help you reach for the underlying feelings, and feelings are always there. Humans tend to feet one of these four basic feelings mad, sad, glad and scarced and variations on these four. Go for it! You also will be surprised at how training yourself to be a better listener will often diffuse conflicts. We all yearn to be truly heard and truly understood. It lowers the defenses. Sprinkle some empathy throughout your day and watch the magic! It is what Jesus would do. Blessings, Mandi C. Mader, LCSW C, Executive Director, WPCS (301 681 3201) |
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What is Self Talk?
See how very much our heavenly Father loves us, for he allows us to be called his children think of it and we really are!... Yes, dear friends, we are already God's children, right now. I John 3:1 2, TLB One of my favorite quotes is, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." These powerful, simple and true words were spoken by Eleanor Roosevelt. If people would believe, truly believe these words, it might put us out of business, and that would be a good thing! Have you ever considered that maybe you play a role in your own happiness and self esteem that how you feel about yourself is not written in stone fact. Perhaps for years you have just accepted the fact that you are not good enough, not smart enough, etc. As a therapist I have been trained in cognitive therapy which simply looks at how people talk to themselves (and yes, we all talk to ourselves). You may not be aware of it, but all through the day you say things to yourself and often they are not very nice things. I know people who are constantly, silently, criticizing themselves, doubting themselves, calling themselves stupid, a failure, etc. It can be subtle, or not so subtle. If you begin to monitor your self talk, you may be surprised at what you hear. The next step in cognitive therapy is to examine and challenge your self talk. This is the fun part because often people can be helped to see that the things they are saying to themselves are not true, or that there is another, moderating and equally valid, side of the story. Our internal self talk is generally learned from experiences in childhood, but it can be unlearned! God wants us to enjoy a fully abundant life. His perfectly, imperfect children cannot five abundantly with too much negative self talk. Blessings, Mandi C. Mader, LCSW C Executive Director, WPCS (301 681 3201). |
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Gratitude as a Stress Reducer?
Hallelujah! 0 give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for his loving kindness lasts forever. Psalm 106:1 Yes! Not only is gratitude Biblically encouraged, but it is great for your psychological health too. You have probably noticed how some people seem to be happier than other people. Well, if you got to know the happier people, you would find that they probably feel and express gratitude several times a day. They focus on what they have, instead of on what they don't have. THEY CHOOSE to focus on their spouse's good qualities, rather than on their faults. Instead of being mad that they can't eat out more, they choose to be truly grateful that they do not know hunger. They know what research has proven, that after we meet our basic needs of food, shelter, and security, money does not influence happiness. Yes, you can choose to be grateful. It may take practice and some days it might be hard, but most people can usually find one small thing to he grateful for grateful that you received one birthday card instead of none; grateful that it is raining; grateful for the church community that you are a part of I know of a woman who grew up with two alcoholic parents. I know a man who lost family in the Holocaust. I know parents who lost a son in a car accident, yet somehow, they have managed to find happiness. Gratitude is one of their secrets. If you truly cannot find anything to be grateful for and you constantly feet pessimistic, tired and sad, you may have a complex medical and spiritual condition called depression. Please talk with your minister or a counselor to make sure that you are not suffering needlessly. Fifteen million people suffer from clinical depression every year in our country alone, and only two thirds receive the care and healing they deserve! Blessings, Mandi C. Mader, LCSW C Executive Director, WPCS (301 681 3201) |